I figure I owe it to you, my beloved, longsuffering readers, to let you in on a bit of what’s been going on in my life during these past few weeks and months.

Last year (it really was! Will I ever get used to it being 2013?) I went vegan sometime around late August/early September. As summer became fall, I noticed I was feeling a little groggy, foggy, and unmotivated, but I wrote it off as some sort of intrinsic character flaw (as I often do, because I am quick to assign myself flaws). My mental and emotional health also took a few blows in October as I was faced with several personal disappointments and frustrations, so I attributed my worsening depression, declining energy levels, and general feelings of malaise to those events. It went on like this for several weeks until finally, around the beginning of December, I hit a wall.

First, I developed what can only be described as a perpetual headache. My head was throbbing literally every waking moment for weeks on end. The pain often kept me up at night, and was sometimes so intense that it brought me to the point of tears.

I also developed a sudden and debilitating fatigue. I have always been an early riser, but suddenly I found myself sleeping in until 10, 11, 12 o’clock. Upon waking, I felt dizzy and sluggish, and often went straight from lying in bed to parking myself on the couch and snoozing for the rest of the day (even skipping showering some days – something I NEVER do). People kept telling me that I was tired because I wasn’t exercising, but every time I tried to work out, I would end up either literally collapsing, or at the very least, coming close to it. There were several days I couldn’t leave the house and had to cancel appointments or back out of social engagements because I was too tired, weak, or depressed to make myself move. Even though I was exhausted all day, I was also finding it near impossible to sleep at night. I regularly woke up around 1 or 2 and would lie awake until Andy’s alarm went off around 6.

My eating habits also suffered a blow. I began experiencing sudden and inexplicable stomach pains and digestive upsets to the point that I was afraid to eat anything for fear that it would cause stomach cramps. Despite my feeble appetite, I attempted to add more raw foods to my diet, thinking I could improve my energy and digestive health naturally. The more fruits and vegetables I ate, however, the sicker and more fatigued I felt. Everything started smelling and tasting bad to me, even foods I had always enjoyed. What I did manage to eat made my stomach so upset that soon I could barely bring myself to eat anything at all.

For a while I thought all these symptoms might be extremely delayed detox symptoms from adopting a vegan diet. But as one week became two weeks became three weeks, my feelings of exhaustion, nausea, and malaise only worsened. It became evident that these symptoms weren’t going to go away on their own, and there was no way I could keep going like this for much longer.

I began furiously researching my symptoms to see what kind of disease or disorder could be doing this to my body. Adrenal fatigue? Fibromyalgia? Hypothyroidism? Hepatitis? Anemia? Some sort of vitamin or mineral deficiency? Nothing quite seemed to fit. At a loss, I finally wondered if my diet was to blame. Even though I was getting plenty of protein and taking a daily B12 supplement, I still felt completely wiped out. I had also been getting inexplicable yet blindingly intense cravings for meat and fatty foods – foods that had never appealed to me even before going vegan. It seemed like my body was trying to tell me something, but why would it be craving a food I neither needed nor particularly liked? Wasn’t avoiding meat supposed to give you MORE energy and vitality? I began a fervid Google quest to see if anyone else had had an experience like mine of becoming weak, tired, or sick on a vegan diet, and whether the diet was truly to blame.

What I found surprised me. It turned out that many people (hundreds, thousands… enough to form an entire online community) had had to abandon their vegan or vegetarian diets due to problems with their health and energy levels. Even prominent vegans and raw foodies had gone through this experience of being essentially forced to reintroduce animal products because of their health – Ashlae from Oh Ladycakes, Heather of Sweetly Raw, and Sara Avant Stover, to name a few. After reading all this new information, I began to suspect that I, too, was experiencing this so-called “failure to thrive.” Armed with this new knowledge, I brought my concerns to vegan forums and discussion boards (MISTAKE) only to essentially be told that, if a vegan diet wasn’t working for me, I must either be doing something wrong or not trying hard enough.

After agonizing over it for a week or so (and doing a lot of crying) I decided that I needed to put my health first and at least try going back on meat, just to see if it made a difference. I hemmed and hawed deciding the right time to make such a reintroduction, until a few nights before Christmas when I had one of my worst headaches to date. I was almost in hysterics because of the pain and the fatigue-induced brain fog. I finally resigned myself to eating a small slice of turkey before going to bed. The next day, I woke up rested and headache-free. I ate an egg, and it felt like I was finally coming to after a month-long coma. Over the next week, I made an effort to eat one animal product a day. By the end of the week, I wasn’t at 100%, but I felt like I could finally stand and walk and pass for a normal human again.

One month later, I’m still gluten-free, soy-free, and caffeine-free, but now I’ve fully reincorporated animal products into my diet. I eat eggs and small amounts of meat 2-3 times a week, and dairy maybe once a week or less (I’ve noticed my digestion is better without it, and it hasn’t had much of an effect on my energy levels, so I’ve concluded I don’t need it). There are still days that I eat entirely vegan out of habit alone. I usually only realize it the next day, when I notice my old symptoms returning. A few cubes of chicken, and I feel fine again.

This transition has been hard for me. I’ve been hesitant to share my story because people who convert back to omnivory after being vegan often get a lot of flak from the vegan community. Even though I can’t really count myself one of their number anymore, I still respect and admire my vegan friends, and still think of myself an honorary vegan. Ultimately, I think what it comes down to is this: I liked being vegan. I didn’t find it difficult to be vegan. I would like to be able to go vegan again someday. But right now, I have to put my health first and give my body what it has CLEARLY told me it needs. I still love vegan food – discovering it, eating it, making it, sharing it – and I love all the people I’ve met along my vegan journey. Hopefully they can find it in themselves to understand where I’m coming from and why I’ve made this difficult decision.

As for the future of this blog, I can’t really say at the moment. I’ve really enjoyed keeping it up, sharing recipes, and making new friends over the last year, but there have been several changes in my life recently and several new endeavors that will come to consume a lot of my time and attention.

No, this is not a pregnancy announcement!

But for now, I’m putting this blog on the back burner until I can get my health back in alignment. Although I’m feeling better since reintroducing meat, my mind and body still have a lot of healing to do from other, non-veganism related things. I appreciate you all too much to fill your inboxes with half-baked posts and slapdash recipes just because I feel I ought to be publishing something.

Thanks so much for your patience and understanding during this weird-ass time in my life. Even though I’ll probably be dropping off the blogosphere for a bit, I’d still love to keep in touch with all of you through Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, or whatever other social medium floats your proverbial boat!

Until then, happy trails to all of you, and I hope to see you here again someday!

But.

Have you ever seen and/or listened to War of the Worlds?

Okay, so the premise is that these virtually unstoppable space aliens invade Earth, killing people left and right, slurping up their bodily fluids for sustenance. Earth is doomed, right? WRONG. The aliens start dying off on account of not having an immunity to all the tiny microorganisms and bacteria that populate the earth. THE EARTH IS SAVED.

Stay with me.

In this analogous scenario, I am the invading space alien and these cookies are Earth. I could attempt to destroy them, but ultimately it would end up being my undoing because those tiny, innocuous looking chocolate chippers happen to contain a substance that my body reacts to with the same inflammatory response as, say, chugging a liter of antifreeze.

Maybe that comparison is a bit extreme. Maybe this whole analogy is getting waaaay out of hand. BUT it provides important backstory for those among my dear readers who haven’t been with me for very long, and perhaps have yet to notice the single ingredient that is mysteriously absent from each and every one of my baked goods: chocolate.

I’ve known about my caffeine allergy for about 9 months, and during that time I’ve done everything I can to avoid contact with the stuff: avoiding chocolate, coffee, tea, and soda at all costs; throwing out all my skincare products containing green tea extract and tea tree oil; even avoiding walking into coffee shops on account of the coffee particles in the air.

SO WHAT AM I DOING BAKING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES?!?!

Because I love my mother. And my mother expects a Christmas present of some sort this year. A Christmas present from me, penniless and armed with naught but the knowledge of my mother’s intense love affair with all things cacao.

And almond. And coconut. And gluten-free.

This particular recipe meets four out of four requirements, and is inspired by one I recently spotted over at one of my favorite online haunts, Oh She Glows. Despite sharing a kitchen with chocolate for half an hour, I managed to come out mostly unscathed, even though my first attempt got a bit dangerous (read as: gruesome and bloody). Ultimately, my undying filial devotion saw me through.

If you’re one of the vast majority of alien invaders fortunate enough to be immune to the deadly Earth substance known as chocolate, then I’d say there’s no better way to prepare for the impending world-annihilating invasion this Friday than to whip up a quick batch of these babies.

And if you’re not… well.. there’s always raisins.

ingredients

1/4 c almond butter
1/4 c virgin coconut oil
3/4 c brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp almond extract
1 tbsp ground flax seeds + 2 tbsp water
1 c almond flour
1 c oat flour *
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 c chocolate (or carob!) chips

directions

1. In a small bowl, combine flax seeds and water. Let stand for a few minutes until thickened.
2. In a medium mixing bowl, cream together almond butter and coconut oil. Add sugar, vanilla, almond extract, and flax seeds mixture and stir until combined.
3. Stir in dry ingredients (almond flour, oat flour, baking soda, baking powder, & salt) to form a stiff dough. Fold in chocolate chips.
4. Roll dough into 1″ balls and place on greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes.

* To make your own oat flour, give a generous 1 c of gluten-free oats a quick spin in the blender or food processor.

If you have been to Carrabba’s and are on any sort of restricted diet, then you’re probably still missing out. This is on account of Carrabba’s menu being a veritable deathtrap for those of us who crew the Good Ship Mangled Intestines. That is to say, if copious amounts of meat, cheese, and gluten aren’t your bag, then in stepping across the Carrabba’s threshold, you’ve essentially resigned yourself to the salad menu.

And the wine menu. I guess it could be worse.

Carrabba’s has been my family’s and my favorite Italian restaurant for as long as I can remember. I’ve spent at least three of my six most recent birthdays chowing down on Pasta Carrabba and Sogno di Cioccolata, and when I was in college, my parents went out of their way to squeeze in a Carrabba’s trip on my weekends at home.

So you can imagine that, upon going vegan and gluten-free, I suffered a brief spell of depression at the realization that this ambrosia of the gods would never again pass my lips (or at least, never without my sorely regretting it).

In this age of brazen copyright infringement, a copycat recipe for the pasta dish that haunts my dreams wasn’t difficult to come across, but as I scanned the ingredient list — chicken breasts, grated parmesan, heavy cream — I knew I would have to get more than a little creative if I ever wanted my Pasta Carrabba dreams to become reality.

Cue: this song.

But the pasta gods, it seems, have rewarded my faithfulness. On my VERY FIRST TRY (<– never happens) I was able to come up with an approximation that tastes UNCANNILY similar to the original Pasta Carrabba sauce. The  consistency is a little less gooey and cheesy than the original, but once you get past that, they taste almost EXACTLY the same. Even Andy took no offense upon sampling the sauce:

“Is it good?”

“Yeah.”

“Good for what it is, or good, period?”

“It’s definitely good for what it is. (beat) I think it might just be good.”

And there you have it, folks. If Andy (read as: the hater of all things peas, mushroom, and coconut) approves, then you’re entirely without excuse. So grab a pot and pan and get cooking — your mangled intestines will thank you!

ingredients

2 tbsp soy-free Earth Balance
1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 c full fat coconut milk (you may need up to a whole can, depending on the liquid-to-fat ratio)
1/2 c coconut cream (I used Trader Joe’s)
1/2 c Daiya mozzarella shreds
2 tbsp vegan parmesan sprinkles, plus extra for topping (I used Galaxy Nutritional Foods) *
1/2 tsp salt, or to taste
1/4 tsp black pepper, or to taste
3oz sliced baby bella or cremini mushrooms (about 2 c)
1/2 c frozen green peas
1/2 pkg (about 4.5oz) gluten-free spaghetti, linguine, or fettuccine, cooked according to package directions

directions

1. Melt Earth Balance in a large skillet over medium-low heat. Add garlic and saute until fragrant.
2. Add coconut milk, coconut cream, and parmesan sprinkles and bring to a gentle boil over medium-high heat. Allow the mixture to boil for a few minutes to reduce and thicken (I use this time to get my pasta started)
3. Once sauce has thickened to about the consistency of a light sauce, add mushrooms and peas and continue to cook until tender.
4. Add Daiya shreds to the sauce and stir until just melted. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Add cooked pasta and toss to coat, or ladle sauce over your pasta and enjoy!

* Galaxy’s parmesan sprinkles are soy-based. So far I’ve yet to have a strong adverse reaction to them, but you will want to use a different brand if you’re very sensitive to soy.

Not remotely. In fact, my nuclear family is about as WASP as they come. So I’m not exactly sure from whence our infatuation with Hanukkah stems. Would it not mean I was resorting to stereotypes, I might speculate that it shares a common source with our love of Broadway musicals and coupon codes.

That aside, we’ve been faithfully celebrating Hanukkah for the entirety of my recent memory. And now that Andy and I are [FINALLY] spending our first holiday season together, it’s time to let her in on this somewhat incongruous tradition.

So far, I think she’s okay with it. In her eyes, latkes are essentially large, glorified french fries. And who could argue with that?

Recently, Andy and I have been getting more and more in the holiday spirit (or more, I’ve been coaxing her into the holiday spirit), although I’m sure there’s something more than a little ironic about making latkes and picking out a Christmas tree in the same weekend. And while we’re both used to green Christmases, having the local temperature hover in the mid-to-upper sixties doesn’t do much to prompt our internal clocks to signal the impending arrival of Yuletide. We’re kind of going on faith in the Gregorian calendar for that one.

Those of you who are latke aficionados can consider this a redux on an old classic, though I should also encourage the Gentile crowd to give these latkes a try  — who knows, you might even consider adding a new tradition to the holiday lineup. Besides, whether you’re gearing up for the start of Hanukkah this weekend, or you’ve still got a few more weeks to snag all your Christmas presents, latkes are ALWAYS an appropriate response to peri-holiday stress, regardless of your ethnoreligious leanings!

ingredients

1/2 pkg frozen hash browns (15oz) *
1/4 c rice flour
1/4 c cornstarch
1 tsp salt
1 tsp seasoned salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
1/4 tsp garlic salt
pinch cinnamon
1 c shredded carrots (optional)
coconut or canola oil for frying

directions

1. Thoroughly thaw hash browns by placing them in a colander and running room-temperature water over them until soft. Transfer the thawed hash browns to a large bowl — they should still be a bit soggy.
2. Add dry ingredients (rice flour, cornstarch, seasoning, and shredded carrots if using) and mix until thoroughly combined and somewhat doughy.
3. Coat a large skillet with oil and heat to medium-high. Use a 1/3 cup measure to drop latke mixture into the skillet, using the back of the measure or a spatula to flatten it into a patty. Cook for 5-7 minutes on each side, or until brown and crispy.
4. Transfer to a paper towel to cool and blot before serving. If you’re making a large batch, keep on a tray in a warm oven until all the latkes are ready. Serve with applesauce, your preferred equivalent of sour cream, or Andy’s personal favorite — ketchup!

*You’ll want to double this recipe and use the entire package if you’re making these for a family or large group. Andy and I can get 6-7 latkes out of a half-package.

Also, things like Halloween, power tools, and the RNC would probably not exist.

It’s probably for the best that not everyone in the world is just like me, even if it does mean that every year I’m forced to endure the torturous wait until after Thanksgiving to get my Christmas on in full force. I like to look at it as a character-building exercise.

Lies. I don’t like to look at it that way, but I’m forced to.

Fortunately, now that Thanksgiving is behind us, I’m finally on the same page as the rest of the country’s white, Anglo-Saxon protestant population. Time to haul out (and by “haul out,” I mean “purchase for the first time”) the lights, garlands, and ornaments! Since this is Andy’s and my first Christmas together, we’ve had to do a bit of finagling to merge our respective holiday traditions. She’s into cookie decorating and live trees. I demand latkes and Christmas Eve viewings of The Muppet Christmas Carol (I grew up in an… alternative family).

Another Christmas MUST, of course, is making pomanders. I’m not sure why this is a tradition I fixate on, especially considering that my family really only did it one Christmas when I was still in single digits, but the scent of orange and cloves is still very evocative to me. Now that we have animals living with us, it’s not very practical to leave potentially edible things sitting around (especially now that we’re discovering Haven’s mild fascination with chewing), so what’s the next best way to get the apartment smelling like a pomander?

I am in love with these muffins. I was sorely tempted to do nothing but sit in front of the oven the entire time they were baking because of that heavenly pomander scent. The muffins themselves turned out light and fluffy (dare I say cupcake-y?) and, like all muffins, are best enjoyed straight out of the oven with a pat of soy-free Earth Balance.

Maybe you’re already in the holiday spirit. Maybe it’s taking you a little longer to get there this year. But if there’s anything that can put you in a caroling-and-wassailing mood faster than the toasty scent of cloves and oranges filling your kitchen, I’ve yet to discover it!

ingredients

1 c nondairy milk
1 orange, zested and juiced
2/3 c sugar
2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp ground cloves
2 c all-purpose gluten-free flour (I used Bob’s Red Mill) *
2 tbsp cornstarch
1 tsp xanthan gum
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt

directions

1. In a large mixing bowl, whisk together nondairy milk and orange juice to curdle.
2. Pour sugar and orange zest onto a large plate and use a fork to work the zest into the sugar until fragrant. Add sugar mixture, oil, and vanilla to milk mixture and stir to combine.
3. Add dry ingredients (flour, cornstarch, xanthan gum, cloves, baking powder, baking soda, and salt) and mix until thoroughly combined.
4. Pour batter into a greased muffin tin, filling wells 3/4 of the way full. If you want, dust a little extra ground cloves over the muffins before baking. Bake at 350 for 20-22 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.

* You can probably get by subbing an equal amount of all-purpose flour if gluten is your scene, though I obviously haven’t tried.