In case you needed me to tell you this, applying to jobs is stressful.
Does anyone else get extremely uncomfortable trying to sell themselves to a potential employer? I know it’s all part of the Hollywood culture of schmoozing and forging connections out here, but I HATE talking myself up to people. I feel like all it does is set them up to be disappointed by my — let’s face it — dismal inability to perform work- and job-related tasks.
Like answering phones. Or doing simple math. Or remembering people’s names. Or not bursting into tears at even the slightest admonishment. Or generally following directions of any kind.
Okay, so I’m not really cut out for most forms of employment. But until my father’s entire side of the family dies (can I put a PERISH THE THOUGHT in here?) and I inherit all the oil money, it’s looking like I’m going to need to join the workforce and start acting like a regular, composed, non-orchid child with no listening comprehension problems or short-term memory deficits whatsoever.
This is a tall order.
Are you ready for this discourse to fluidly segue into some delicious peanut butter?
Yeah, me too.
Whether I’m stressing about jobs, money, learning disabilities, doctor’s appointments, or the impending roach-pocalypse at my apartment, nothing calms my nerves like watching a batch of defenseless peanuts get pulverized into a swirling vortext of buttery goodness.
The only thing that could make it butterier (which is APPARENTLY a real word because spellcheck is not even underlining it… it is, however, underlining the word “spellcheck” which I find to be more than a little ironic) is to add a healthy dose of my newest unholy addiction.
Ever since I’ve been off the choco chippers, I’ve developed an affinity for butterscotch chips, as their caffeine-free-ness makes them pretty much the only chips I can eat without fear of repercussion. One thing led to another, and now I go crazy for butterscotch-flavored ANYTHING. I guess the flavor just transports me back to my childhood days of getting butterscotch pudding in my lunchbox and drowning my ice cream in butterscotch syrup at church socials.
Butterscotch peanut butter basically embodies everything that was good about my childhood, which helps me combat some of the stress and dreariness that adult life has been flinging my way recently. Bills. Errands. Taking the dog out every morning. Interviews and appointments. Job applications. Le sigh.
I suppose that when it comes down to it, I may have the listening comprehension skills of an attention deficit toddler, but at least I can whip up a batch of buttery, scotchy, salty-sweet peanut butter at a moment’s notice. That’s got to count for something, even in this economy.
2 c roasted unsalted peanuts
1/4 c (1/2 stick) butter, margarine, Earth Balance, etc.
1/2 c brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp salt, or to taste
1. Add peanuts to a high-speed blender or food processor and begin blending to form your peanut butter.
2. Meanwhile, add butter/margarine and brown sugar to a small saucepan over medium-low heat. Stir until the butter has melted and completely combined with sugar — it should be thick and caramel-y. Remove from heat and stir in vanilla.
3. By now, your peanuts should have mostly achieved butter form. Add the sugar and butter mixture to the peanut butter and blend to thoroughly combine. Salt to taste.
4. Pour into jars and store tightly sealed in the refrigerator.